Playing football in high school taught me (Bill) to ignore injuries, push through pain, and succeed no matter what the cost. I certainly didn’t share my feelings with others — afraid this would come across as “weak” to my teammates and coaches.
This helped me score touchdowns and our team win games. Plus, everybody saw me as “strong” and admired me for it. So naturally, I adopted this attitude in other areas of my life.
I learned to deny my feelings and push to “get the ball across the goal line” in ministry. Whenever I fell short, I’d stuff my emotions down even further and try hard to be better for everyone around me.
Sometimes my football mentality still shows up in my leadership. My inner attitudes sound something like: “You shouldn’t feel this way… Don’t burden people with your needs… Stay in control.”
Sadly, this approach keeps me at arm’s length away from God’s love. It also prevents me from experiencing authentic and loving relationships with those around me.
Maybe you’ve heard the popular sports mantra that says “never let them see you sweat.” Many pastors and missionaries have applied an adapted version — “don’t feel or have needs” — to their leadership.
Yet this isn’t the attitude that Jesus, the greatest leader of all time, displays to us. The King of the Universe related to people out of humility instead of relying on his authority (Philippians 2:6-7). He let God and people see his struggles, needs, and emotions as he practiced emotional honesty (Matthew 26:36-39).
Jesus teaches all of us the importance of soul friendship in life and ministry.
What do you do when serving God gets stressful and you feel alone? You can rely on an ambassador of Christ to minister God’s heart to you (2 Corinthians 5:20).
It’s often understood that we grow closer to Jesus through individual practices like Scripture meditation and prayer. Yet a little-known way to go deeper in friendship with Christ is through soul friendship with one another.
Appreciating Jesus’ vulnerability with others helps you open your heart more and more whenever you feel distress. The Good Shepherd models for us what it’s like to have needs and ask for empathy from others (not just his Heavenly Father) throughout his entire life and mission. Here are a few examples:
Jesus received empathy from his mother as a child, who treasured him and his words in her heart. This helped him to grow in his experience of God’s favor (Luke 2:51-52).
He asked the Samaritan woman at the well, “Please give me a drink” (John 4:7 NLT). He wanted to spend some quiet days as a guest in Martha’s house (Luke 10:38).
He was extremely vulnerable with his closest friends when he shared, “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me” (Matthew 26:38).
If Jesus, the Son of God, who had perfect faith, needed empathy from friends, how much more do we need it!
The Practicals of Soul Friendship
But what does soul friendship look like practically?
A soul friend opens up their heart and life in a way that not only draws you closer to them but also to Jesus in them.
Aerland of Rievaulx phrased it beautifully in his classic book, Spiritual Friendship: “Here we are, you and I, and I hope that Christ makes a third.”
A soul friendship is a “deep-spirited companionship” where we come to know each other in the ups and downs of life and see God at work in it all as we become more like him.
This might look like asking a soul friend to listen to you with empathy. Then you can choose to believe that God is caring for you through your friend.
Imagine looking at Jesus looking at you through the compassionate eyes of your friend. You can feel the warmth of Christ’s presence as your friend holds space for your feelings and needs. You can appreciate their words of love and encouragement as the ministry of the Holy Spirit. Then you offer to listen, support, and pray for them as you love them like Jesus does.
Sharing with a soul friend might sound something like:
“God has yet to answer my prayers for the struggles of the church. Perhaps he’s teaching me to trust that he has good purposes I can’t yet see. It’s also possible that he’s teaching me to love others regardless of success.”
“I usually feel confident in knowing what to do, but I feel a lack of direction when it comes to ministry. Not knowing the next steps to take is so hard for me. I really need prayer to help me rely on Jesus one step at a time.”
“It’s so disappointing that I still don’t have children. Both of my younger sisters now have kids. I want God to be enough for me, but truthfully, when it comes to this, he’s not. I don’t know why God is withholding from me.”
You’ll be surprised to see how soul friendship helps you experience Jesus and strengthens you in your ministry to others.
Go Deeper in Soul Friendship
Are you longing for soul friendship? Here are a few ways Soul Shepherding can help:
#1 Read Deeply Loved: Receiving and Reflecting God’s Great Empathy for You
Our book Deeply Loved is a resource to help you cultivate closeness in your relationships — both with Jesus and others — through empathy. It’s full of tools that will help you go deeper in conversation with others.
You can get Deeply Loved here.
#2 Talk to a Spiritual Director
Not sure where to start when it comes to getting emotionally honest with others? Our spiritual directors are trained to help you deepen your relationship with Jesus through empathetic conversation. It’s a safe place to bring your hurts and struggles and find the support you need to heal and grow.
You can book an appointment with a spiritual director today.
#3 Come on Retreat
We’d love to have you come on retreat with Soul Shepherding to go deeper in emotional health and loving leadership. Each retreat is filled with other pastors and missionaries like you who listen, care, and pray for one another.
You can learn more about retreats here.
A Prayer for Soul Friendship
Lord Jesus, help us to take courage to be humble and vulnerable like you, and ask others for the support we need. Pour your loving Spirit into our hearts so that we can overflow with your love and encouragement to those around us. Amen.
