“Bless you, Akinamawachu!” is something you might hear yelled at our house when someone sneezes.
Who is Akinamawachu, or what does that mean, you might ask? I don’t know. It’s no one and it doesn’t really mean anything. It’s just something I started saying randomly one day after one of our kids sneezed. And now it’s part of our family language.
We are also fond of completely messing up common English sayings, like, “Don’t be a stick in the head!” or “I’m stuck between a knife and a wall.” We eventually remember the right way to say it, but never in time. And we don’t really care.
When we play games, we are hilarious trash talkers, each with our own signature I’m-winning songs. And in our house, it’s always all about who is the biggest mooch. It’s never me.
In our house, we all love to get the mail. Ten years living overseas without a mailbox makes it feel extra fun. At dinner, we always say that Dad’s cooking is better than any food we could get at a restaurant. It really is. And when we sit around the supper table, we always share our highs, our lows, and our lupines. Lupines are how we made the world a more beautiful place that day, from the book Miss Rumphius.
These are just a few of the things that make up our family culture.
I’m curious. What are yours?
If you are missionaries, like we were for more than a decade, you are probably very aware of the country culture you brought with you into the nation you moved into. We so often think about culture as it relates to countries or even churches.
But what about your family culture?
We began to think about this in our own home one Christmas while living in Peru. My husband had a piece of art custom created for our family that included our family motto: “Gutierrez’s never give up.” It was a saying we noticed ourselves repeating often, especially when life felt overwhelming.
The artwork was whimsical, depicting each of us doing things we love. And it showed us something important.
Never giving up didn’t mean muscling through. It meant leaning into joy and into one another.
Not long after, a friend recommended the book The 3 Big Questions for a Frantic Family by Patrick Lencioni. In it, he challenges families to discover what their family is really all about. Lencioni challenges families to stop drifting on autopilot and instead decide, together, what they want to be known for.
So we did. And we invited our kids into the process.
Beginning with our family motto, we started to notice other themes that made us who we are. As a family, we’ve always loved silliness, hospitality, learning, and serving others. While the four of us are very different individuals, these are the threads that draw us together.
This is our family culture.
1. What you name, you can celebrate.
When you can put words to your family culture, you can notice what’s already good and create more of it together.
If noticing beauty is part of your family culture, how might you lean into that more? Maybe it looks like time outside, reading stories together, visiting art museums, or creating art of your own.
Maybe part of your family culture is adventure. You love trying new things, taking risks, and doing things that make you whoop with nervous joy.
Families can live into their culture without naming it. But naming it gives you permission to celebrate it together.
It’s like waving a flag, only it’s your family’s flag.
If you had a family flag, what would be on it? Might it be a particular fruit of the Spirit? A character trait? A type of activity? The options are endless.
2. What you notice, you can shape.
When you begin naming your family culture, you might also notice parts that aren’t so great.
Maybe negativity has crept in. Maybe sarcasm has crossed into unkindness. Maybe complaining has become the default.
Some values are neutral, like competitiveness. Your family loves games and plays to win. You celebrate success, and that can be an absolute blast. But it can also help you notice when competition starts hurting feelings or when success matters more than compassion.
Scripture puts it this way: “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” (Proverbs 4:23)
Naming your culture gives you permission to ask gentle questions together. How do we want to live this out in a way that loves God and others well?
3. When you drift, your culture can guide you back.
When you know your family culture, you can also tell when you’re off course.
We feel it in our home when our silliness and playfulness fade. When we haven’t laughed in a while or danced around the kitchen or teased each other, we know something is off. We’re missing part of who God made us to be.
This happened to us not long ago.
We live in Minnesota, the epicenter of so much tension here in the United States right now. My husband’s work involves caring for people deeply affected by it, and that weight came home with us. Things became serious. Too serious.
The goal was never to ignore the heaviness or pretend it wasn’t there. The goal was to use the gift of our family culture to help us recharge so we could keep serving well.
As C. S. Lewis writes in Letters to Malcolm: Chiefly on Prayer, “Joy is the serious business of Heaven.”
Joy isn’t a distraction from the work. Sometimes it’s how we survive it.
Fun and playfulness are how our family recharges. But we felt too tired for fun. Too sad to be playful. And yet, that was exactly what we needed.
My husband and I talked about it honestly, and neither of us knew how to begin again. But sometimes kids remind us of who we really are. Our young adult daughter, who has special needs, helped us take the first step back.
One game of Skip-Bo. A little car dancing. Some hollering, “No, you’re the biggest mooch!” And slowly, one squirrelly step at a time, we found ourselves again.
Before that, last week, when it all still felt too heavy, I just called out to God: Help! My actual words were, “Jesus, Son of God, have mercy on me.” I burst into tears, letting myself feel it all, begging him to bring some lightness back into our lives.
And on Sunday, he did just that. The work was his, and the work was mine. We did it together.
You better believe Jesus is invited to all of our dance parties.
A conversation to try this week
If you’re curious about your own family culture, here are a few questions to explore together:
- If our family had a flag, what would be on it? Might it be a particular fruit of the Spirit? A character trait? A type of activity?
- What are the things we do that make us feel most like us?
- What parts of our family culture bring us life and joy right now?
- Are there any parts of our culture that might need a little reshaping or more care?
- When we think about the last few weeks, do we feel like we’ve been living in alignment with who we are? Why or why not?
If you’d like to explore this idea further, I recently had an incredibly fun conversation with the brilliant Jonathan and Elizabeth Trotter about family culture and values. We had more fun than people should be allowed to on a podcast, referenced about a zillion books, and shared tons of stories and ideas your family can try. |
Watch it here:
